Obama Dad!

My kids understand the injustice of socialist tax policy – do you?

Like many parents, my wife and I have long searched for the right motivational tool to inspire outstanding academic achievement by our children. This fall we embarked on a bold new motivational experiment – pay for academic performance.

The rules were simple. Dad's Bank would pay out $20 for every A earned in 'core' subjects (e.g. Math, Science, Reading, etc.). This would give each child the opportunity to earn up to $160. As an extra incentive (and to better reflect the winner take all reality of our Cowboy Capitalist system) we offered an extra motivational kicker – $500 for straight A's.

Well let me tell you, Dad did not anticipate how well the program would work. By the end of the first quarter, all three of our boys (our preschool aged daughter was ineligible due to lack of letter grades) delivered their academic personal best:

Paul, 4^th Grade: Straight As $500

Thomas, 2^th Grade: 7 A's (1 B) $140

Patrick, 6^nd Grade: 6 A's (2 Bs) $120

GRAND TOTAL $760

You can imagine my horror – with the prospect of nearly an $800 payout, Dad's Bank was facing serious threat to Tier 1 capital!

Then I remembered Obama's tax plan and decided it was time to teach the kids about the patriotic duties of the American Tax Payer!

Obama laid it all out for me. From Paul, the highest achieving and wealthiest child, I would take 60%, or $300. From Thomas and Patrick (the merely hard working and affluent) I would take 39.9%, for a combined total of $104. To ensure consistency with Obama's vision, I told the boys I would 'spread the wealth around' by giving $80 to their little sister Mallory in the form of 'academic tax credits'. This would leave Dad with $320. I assured the kids this money would be used to stimulate the broader family economy via the acquisition of an equity stake in the troubled 'Dad's Night Out Insurance Company'.

Needless to say I had a riot on my hands. Paul declared his intent to escape my unfair tax regime by going offshore for a "Semester at Sea". Patrick and Thomas threatened to go on academic strike. My daughter Mallory announced that she would never leave pre-school so she could hold on to her 'academic tax credits'. All hell was breaking lose.

Finally my wife stepped in. Taking a page from the Hank Paulson playbook, she nationalized Dad's bank (despite my strong appeal to family social justice) and made good on all the promised payouts.

If Obama's tax policies won't work for even single night in an average American household, how are they going to work for the next four years for our entire nation?